Disarming polarization - and how a single question changed the mood

THINK. This week, I gave up trying NOT to think about polarization. Instead, I sought to explore this peculiar phenomenon. Here are a few nuggets that stuck with me.

People are strongly biased to learn from prestigious, in-group, moral and emotional information (research of dr William Brady), PRIME. As such, the learning is efficient as it comes from somebody who is seen as successful and behaviour can be copied; it is aligned with values of the group, and sanctioning moral ground helps sustain the community. So far so good. 

What we are noticing now however are social media algorithms amplifying morally outraging, emotional content from fictitiously prestigious accounts to increase engagement (and keep us on our screens a little longer). As a result, the social learning has an external agent now, whose objectives are situated in a completely different dimension of shareholder value creation. Yet, the impact on beliefs seems to be real.

Morally outraging content is proven to generate greater engagement. A mixture of confirmation bias and guilt (!), it tends to lead to people perceiving deeper than actual divides, up to dehumanizing the opposite side. What is fascinating yet scary, these divides impact the moderates the most, pulling them to sides.

In contrast to the doom and gloom of overpowering social media machine, I found an encouraging example in the work of Story Corp and their One Small Step project. It all starts from a conversation, interview, or a debate. All that needs to be in place is open mind, basic respect, and a dash of curiosity to discover what people on different sides of a divide have in common, rather than what makes their views different. Usually, it comes down to some foundational values and beliefs.

It all sounds so easy, but can you recall a recent situation when you truly wanted to understand THE WHY of the other side, instead of telling them why they are wrong? So powerful once you cross that divide!

FEEL. As social animals, we thrive in communication. I am fascinated by the power of semantics, and how sometimes what we say (and how we say it) turns the emotions in split second. Both ways, by the way.

In my corporate job, I am lucky to be part of the team that enjoys working together, has a lot of respect and kindness for each other. This spirit has been forged over the years but it's ours to keep now. We balance serious conversations with fun, but also look out for signals of emotional strain in one another. We genuinely care.

And this is why magic happens. Friday afternoon is a perfect time to catch up. And let's be very honest - most people could fill such space venting, wearing badge of honour for the most demanding / difficult / stressful assignment in the business, describing all the hardships in vivid detail. And so could we. But that Friday, we decided to change the conversation (well, after a little while of that). A single question unlocked an exhilaratingly positive mood. Single, simple, and powerful. We all left the conversation in much better spirit. Do you want to hear the question?

What was a one positive thing that happened in your life this week?    

DO. My chronotype is 'definitely a morning person'. When I am stressed and overwhelmed, I tend to wake up early and default into "I have so much to do, here is where I start, that is what I do next etc.". While it helps organize life on weekdays, the same mode on the weekends is somewhat draining.

I tried a new technique. Instead of switching on coffee maker, powering on my laptop, and going through my diary for the week and the 'to do' app, I made some jasmine tea and sat down on the sofa with the book I was dying to read. Trying to do that in the evening usually ends with my eyelids getting heavier by the minute. 15 minutes in - tops - my brain waves a white flag.

Not only was I able to focus and enjoy the narrative. It also eased me into the day with lightness and grace. You should try that sometime.

The science of unlearning

I am in a waiting room. Life has hit pause. I can either distract myself with minutiae of the moment, or use my (geek) power to slow down and reflect. Explore.

THINK. Have you heard the story of a young monk who, in search of wisdom, climbed to a top of a mountain to meet an elderly guru? And all that he heard from the guru was either everything he already knew, or some thoughtful questions but no real answers? Isn't the wisdom at a top of a mountain what we already brought with us? Aren't questions simply a set of signposts to a destination within?

I grew up believing that moments of peace and lukewarm satisfaction are just intervals between the inevitable doom of misfortune and oppression. That I am there on my own, lonely, somewhat powerless. That things happen to me. That other cannot simply be trusted. 

It was a long journey to even understand how such mindset triggered how I felt, and my ability to perform. Even longer journey to start changing the engraved behaviours and self-perceptions. Rewiring and rewriting feels like cycling uphill and against the strong wind. You want to get off the bike and lie down the ground. But when one gets across the top, the euphoria is overflowing. At least until we get to the bottom of another hill. While there is never a shortage of climbs on your route, the muscle memory builds up.

Sometimes learning is simply unlearning. 

FEEL. I feel somewhat anxious. I am heading into a couple of days of annual leave. I have been working harder than usual in the last few months and I can feel how the fatigue has crept in and settled. It feels completely appropriate to take a few days off, let alone the silliness of losing the days at the break of the year. And yet, the crisis of abundance dilemma hits me hard.

If there is one freedom I must have forfeited, it is the freedom of wasting time without guilt. We all craft self-stories. We reinforce and repeat parts of it, try some personas on, blur the lines between the original and the invention. Gradually becoming a somewhat different character. Apparently, part of my self-myth is built on restlessness.

It strikes me how this is another area to unlearn!

I am looking at the photo taken on a weekend evening. In a comfort of a family couch, we are all watching an episode of 'The Big Bang Theory'. We laugh, comment, interpret situations. Relate to the characters. At the same time Spike, one of our dogs, has made himself visibly comfortable on an armchair. He is observing us. Giving us his undivided attention. Suddenly, we feel like a centre of his universe. It is so easy to miss these moments!

Paying attention pays off.

DO. I feel I am in many waiting rooms, a lot of the time. Right now, I am cheering for my twelve-year-old son in his second ever Pokémon Card Game tournament. Crowded room full of alike geeks.

I am certain we will be up against some difficult emotions. For starters, every single player is at least twice his age. Everyone seems very versed in tricks, techniques, and general Pokémon lore. This is a classic David and Goliath tale. My David has his backpack, a deck of cards, bottle of water and a Pokémon t-shirt.

And then I start noticing. He is not afraid to start the conversation with an opponent. He is curious. As much as he gets frustrated with a few initial lost battles, he discharges negative load, strives to regain composure, and comes back to play another round. I am his coach on the side, but I have little clue about moves, abilities, supporters, or evolutions. I am there to tell him I believe in him.

Sometimes this is all a person needs.

The unobvious charm of unfinished chapters

I used to be a person who must finish one book before starting another. A movie magazine read from page 1 to 100. A TV show watched from season 1 to however much was broadcast. Not anymore. What happened?

THINK. Before anyone says it - this is not the byproduct of attention consumed by multiple technology streams invading our minds, dozens a minute. Neither is it lack of commitment to see things through. Could this be a simple self-permission to choose, mix, meander and pick up where I left off? More trust in my own ability to spot, extract and carry the important elements?

Did the journey finally begun to matter more than the destination?

I am sat in my lounge room. Sunday evening, all errands checked off, dishes done after early dinner, weather outside... well, skip to the next point. Music is on. The bliss of one of my favourite bands, Tool, played from a vinyl record. The record is a treasure itself, a thoughtful birthday gift from my wife. 10 tracks in 86 minutes, most exceed 10-minute run time. Why does it even matter?

To me, this is a parabola (pun intended!) of a discovery journey. It starts somewhere, goes in loops, comes back to previously explored sounds, slows down, changes pace and tone, goes quiet and restarts. Each note has its place, but it’s the mind of the listener that builds the trail. Aggressive, lyrical, humming, full of rhythm - it contains all the ingredients to overwhelm. I am only adding the magic dust of purpose and attention.  

Suddenly, it hits me. Life is a record shop. We can sit quietly in the corner and listen to the same tune all the time. We can frantically swap vinyl discs, in search of something that ideally matches our mood at the moment, even at the risk of sensual indigestion. We can take small steps to explore the closest adjacent genre or take huge leaps into complete novelty. Or we can listen to the same record again, rich and deep, discovering layers we have not noticed before. We get to decide.

FEEL. If there is one area full of unfinished chapters, it is the life of a parent. Ever since they are born, we are constantly browsing pages of handbooks, editing stories, making plans for the entire saga... while being anxious what the next page would bring. We start as narrators and over time, we hope and cheer that they take over as directors and main actors of their lives. If your life was the book, and you were an author, how would you like you story to go?   

The best moment of my week came very casually, this morning. Confused by daylight savings clock change, allegedly sleeping an hour longer, we made a spontaneous decision to go out for breakfast. Somewhat tired of everyday routines, we wanted to sit, enjoy food, and share a moment as a family. It ended up in a thousand laughs, discussing travel plans for next summer, Lord of the Ring memes, and definitely getting too much dessert!

Sometimes it is that simple. Every unfinished chapter has its time.

DO. That all being said, so much to do! Work is busy as ever, a pile of books to read gets taller every week, I still have written zero of four chapters of the role-playing game adventure that I kept inventing and improvising for my friends since August. The NBA season have started, and I have not watched a single clip yet. 

I was recently thinking a lot about my friendships. A life of an immigrant is peculiar that way. New networks are just being formed, and strength of old networks is heavily tested. While we may think social media and constant messaging are filling all gaps, the true secret lies in quality. Which is why I have a habit of video calling people to check in on them. 

I may not speak with some friends for a while, but the seeing their faces, being there through the awkward narrating through the recent events, allowing time to get to deeper thoughts and feelings, reinforces the bond despite the distance. It truly feels like opening the book halfway through a chapter and simply reading on.

In search of what's real... and a can of anti-addiction spray!

'If you don't make time to read, you don't make time to learn'. No better sentence to trigger somebody who considers himself a lifelong learner!

THINK. 'Ubik', a novel by Philip K. Dick, was written in 1969. I read it first in 1999. With the world at the brink of a new Millennium, and the mood compounded by arrival of 'The Matrix', posing questions of what is even real, the book made a lasting impression. I wrote my literature exam research paper on it (wish I could find it now!) and spent countless hours wondering if and when such future would emerge.

25 years later, many of the themes appear strikingly relevant. The story in the book puts readers at unease of not knowing if main characters (spoiler alert!) are even alive! Technology, seemingly indistinguishable from magic, creates the layer of half-life, where humans can continue to exist for decades while their bodies no longer function. What starts as a detective noir story of a corporate sabotage, turns into a journey through time, space, and spheres of reality. In search for meaning and truth, Joe Chip must question everything and everyone. Ubik, the ultimate, ubiquitous substance, concealed in a can of spray, is able to prevent erosion and decay. When the entire landscape is shifting in multiple dimensions, humans are looking for stability, or its illusion.

I am utterly fascinated by the self-inflicted struggle to stay sane in the wake of technology inventions we have been creating nearly from the dawn of time. Half-jokingly, each advancement creates a similar amount of adversity, that can only be overcome by further progress. We only move forward. In Dick's book, Jory, a malicious tenant of the half-life layer, feeds off energy of its captives, producing a version of reality to manipulate them into behaving the way that best supports his objectives. Sounds familiar?

'We are presented with a virtual world powered, literally, by the incineration of the real', says one of the characters of 'Bee Sting', a book released over 50 years later.

FEEL. Difficult conversations with your favourite little people are... well, difficult. I wish a life of a parent was exclusively this ideal string of positive, memorable moments. But it is also not as dire as Dickie (!), the father in 'Bee Sting' reflects - ever since they are born, your life becomes filled with a constant fear of them being annihilated the moment you look away. It’s not that bad. Probably something in between.

We watched 'Social Dilemma' as a family. With some snacks to soften the blow, our aim was to expose our teen and tween to somewhat striking truth about mechanisms of social media, and in particular how the computing power and algorithms are now able to know us better than we know ourselves. And how it can be used to trigger changes in our behaviour and life choices. In the real world.

'The Devil's deepest wile is to persuade us that he does not exist'. This quote, attributed to Charles Baudelaire, a 19th century poet, has been used numerously by contemporary culture. For absolute clarity, mine is not a one-sided critique. The benefits of social media are undeniable. But one also must acknowledge the addictive power of virtual world. Many of us think we are resilient, not susceptible to dopamine hits economy. It all happens to others.

I have been there, so I know. I was in a long recovery from illness a few years ago. Video games was one of the ways to endure stress, while retaining (an illusion of) activity. I got completely captured by one of these, a very popular online multiplayer sports game. Its engine is constructed in a way the progress, wins and advancement in rankings are predominantly a linear function of time spent in the game and following daily challenges. I could see me sliding into the trap, I understood how the mechanism worked, and yet I found it very difficult to stop. I cheated on a game timer I was setting. I was finding reasons to sit in front of it for hours. I could feel it changing how I felt.

Thankfully, I found enough willpower to quit. An adult, a family man, sucked by the dopamine machine. Happens to the best of us. That said, we have an obligation to protect younger generations, as they face multiple versions of Jory, the malicious citizen of half-life, 

DO. I am finding it difficult to concentrate as I am finishing the journal for the week. This time, the reason is mundane: my daughter and two of her friends are apparently having a full-voice karaoke session in her room. Has finding an inner voice simply become more difficult, given all the distractions? 

I wish there was a can of spray I could use!

Endurance, capacity for greatness and... boredom

Why are promises to oneself easier to break? 

THINK. 'Every action has an equal opposite reaction'. Newton's Third Law made it to 'Hamilton', a contemporary musical about the beginnings of America as we know it today. Yes, we saw it too and understandably, it was nothing short of phenomenal. Only a great creative mind can rap the history of American Independence into songs and dance routines that remain as earworms. 

The opposite reaction I am contemplating has a different origin though. It struck me how often our most pronounced strengths, qualities that let us overachieve and differentiate above and beyond others, are also becoming our inseparable burden. In my case, I think, it is capacity for discomfort, otherwise known as resilience.

It must be no coincidence that my sport activities gradually evolved into long distance running and road cycling. The internet is full of (anti)inspirational quotes describing pain and suffering that are intrinsically linked to high performance in these disciplines. Yet, these are somehow irresistible too. Partially self inflicted, they respond to innermost desires to earn your place.

FEEL. Capacity for discomfort must be somewhat linked to capacity for greatness, and vice versa. When work, race, relationship, or learning becomes hard, to the point of breaking, it is when we must mobilize to endure. It is crucial though to understand the course must be corrected once we cross the top of the climb, otherwise even the greatest capacity will run out of fuel. Best if you have a coach on your side who can help you notice. That coach is most often somebody who truly loves you.

Unsurprisingly, the embroidery of our inner patterns is hard to eradicate. Built over the span of our lives, weaved into all the accomplishments, it becomes inseparable and turns into yet another lynchpin of identity. We might be worried that stripping out the capacity for suffering would undermine capacity for winning. We are often afraid to see what is left when this is gone.

DO. Not a fan on New Year's resolutions, there is never a better day to start changing things than TODAY. Patterns transform slow. Often, rather than trying to change the sea waves, one is better off finding a right vessel to cut through it and reach safety of a shore. What is my vessel of the week then?

Boredom.

Healing takes many forms. Slowing down is never easy when one is used to be non-stop. A Hamilton line rings in my head: 'How do you write like you're running out of time?' How do you write like tomorrow won't arrive?'.

Well, sometimes, you just don't. You let the boredom in and empty the stage.

Sleeper cells and the power of caring conversations

A week of intense work meetings is like lifting weights that are nearly beyond one's limit. A lot of dopamine. A feeling of accomplishment. Muscles hurt for a few days. But most importantly, new ties are created, and new cells are borne. Some of those are sleeper cells. One day they would come to life and switch on to perform. 

THINK. My mind is overflown with a tsunami of thoughts and observations. I struggle to sift through the compounded noise of dozens of conversations with dozens of people. It reminds me of the orchestra warming up, each of the musicians playing their unique tune, at their own timing. Notes are asynchronous, tones misaligned. Then, a conductor steps to the stool. Suddenly, the music comes together.

As I am reflecting on these conversations, unwinding their threads, it strikes me how all of it is indeed the same melody. The melody of human connection. By being available to listen, by respectfully sharing our thoughts, by asking questions, we send signals that translate the language and create bonds.

Curiosity and ability to listen attentively builds firm foundation for discovery the new. Sometimes it is not the answer that unlocks it, it is the question itself.

I am spending some time thinking about the application of AI in the current intellectual work. Not obsessively, but I ponder how would it change what we do and how we work. While I do not see myself as an AI-accelerationist, I am also far from ignoring the transformation that we are increasingly more immersed in. Algorithms are there to stay. Robots will not take our jobs. But people, who would find ways to engage technology to amplify their outcomes, might.

Many conversations with the teams I works alongside revolve around the right balance of technological enhancement and authenticity. This is only partially chartered territory and as such, so reminds me of a map that a Dungeon Master creates as players advance in their quest for [insert the trophy name as you see fit]. They know where the entrance is and can only see short distance, in dim light of a few torches. Well, the only way to explore is to step in and confront whatever awaits around the bend.

On that note, the most intriguing question I stumbled upon last week was 'what does it mean to be human in 50 years?'. Love to hear your thoughts.

FEEL. Last week was all about reconnecting with people I have known for years and meeting new. Few of these conversations opened the floodgates of emotions that moved me deeply.

It does sound like a self-help meme but living in the present emerged to become this aspirational, ambitious goal, enabling a healthy soul. We all exist in the present so why is it so hard - and what gets in the way? Well, many of us live in the future, or the past, or alternate between both - but very rarely in the moment. There is sufficient research to prove that excessive focus on past failures or future uncertainties can affect mental health and cognitive processes, none of which I will be quoting. It is enough that I have suffered from rumination, excessive worry or self-worth perceptions shaped by things that happened to me.

What helps?

Ability to slow down, even stop, reflect, and explore such emotions. Self-awareness and paying attention to one's thoughts and feelings, exposed in unbiased spotlight of 'why do I feel like that?'. Very often, a caring, external voice. An out-of-body experience of looking at ourselves through somebody else's heart. Suddenly, past and future are not that scary. 

Be a Caring Geek to somebody that needs you. Karma comes back, always.

DO. Chartering a new territory in the life of my family begun 2 years ago, on 1st October. A little scared of what awaits, I got on a flight to Dublin. A couple of suitcases with the most essential things. A rented car I practiced a game of 'packing Tetris', leaving no inch of space unused. A rented, unfurnished house that I needed to make home.

Two years later, this has been a liberating adventure. Consciously closing a chapter in one's life is never easy. Removing the clutter of material things helped me discover how little it is that we really need. Important relationships were reshaped, but remained (and yes, it is always work on both sides). The discovery of new country is a continuous journey, but so far, we have been blessed to meet plenty of kind human beings. 

My own teenage human beings continue to bring sheer joy and pride. Sometimes it means listening to twelve opening notes of 'Smoke on the Water' on an electric guitar a hundred times in the row! Another time, it is getting in the car in the rain, bringing a cup of hot chocolate after hours of intense training. 

There are ways to see beyond the clouds. During these 2 years, I took several photos in Monkstown, overlooking the Dublin Bay towards Howth peninsula. On a day like today, it is covered in fog and clouds. But it does not mean it has vanished. A determine traveller will always get there. 

Temptation and grace

No matter how small, everyone goes through their versions of The One Ring temptation. Sometimes multiple times a week!

THINK. Do not worry if you are not familiar with Gandalf, Galadriel, or Frodo, taking their turn the face the temptation of the One Ring. I had multiple of these challenges this week, some of them were successful and some weren't. Such is life.

The one that made me think the most is how being put under pressure can lead us to actions we later regret, or ashamed of. Whether this is the performance of a fast-paced business, competitive sport rankings or social media following, many of us tend to prioritize the outcome. The path HOW to get to the outcome becomes of a secondary importance. 'No judgment on winners', right? Or...?

I had a moment of weakness of that sort, spotting an opportunity at work to not only take a higher moral ground, but also score some points individually, as opposed to a team outcome. Thankfully, I was careful enough to slow down and spot it.

Michael Jordan has been a hero of my basketball youth. Do I need to convince anyone that one of the best strategies for his team to win was just to let him do his thing? (Again, no shame if you are not familiar with Jordan's achievement... he is only a GOAT of basketball).

But the Jordan buzzer-beater, game winner moment was replaced with a conscious decision NOT to take this shot. It could have been successful; I could have stepped into limelight. Increase the balance of points on my tally. Instead, I made a pass.

FEEL. This section should have no words. As there are no words to describe the experience I had watching 'Grace' by Jody O'Neill, a Dublin Theatre Festival play on stage in Dun Laoghaire. Jody's son and my son are in the same school and class. Jody's son is autistic. So is Jody.

'Grace' is a deeply moving story of a girl whose ability to communicate with other does not meet common norms. Her perception of the world is unique, and so is her ability to process and express. Her father is the only person who understands her - but sometimes, one is enough.

Grace's multi-sensory world might be very different to what many of us experience. Her needs were reflected by the very frame that the play was organized - with audio description, subtitles, international sign language interpretation and limited sudden lightning or sound effects. The audience was given a greater freedom to self-regulate, encouraged to move around, and express themselves however they felt fit.

Jody, a renowned author, gave interview on public Irish radio. This is a 19-minute-long journey into her world, how she diagnosed her own neurodivergence in mid-thirties, and how it explained the life of feelings she had before. Given her ability to create and perform, it is hard not to see it as yet another superpower. In today's world, it is still less obvious, with a touch of stigma of being different. In our sons' generation, it is turning into acceptance that people simply need different things to have their needs met.

It was hard to hold down tears, and equally easy to burst with joy witnessing the newfound language between Grace and her Mum. Sometimes all we need is a bit of perspective.

DO. I have not been too kind to myself lately. Waking up before 6am to squeeze some training, crossing out things from multiple 'to-do' lists, recharging my battery on power boost and going again. It works, sometimes for months and years - and then it doesn't.

I am contemplating the concept of 'being enough' a lot. As organized and disciplined as I usually am, at times I feel I simply said 'yes' to too many things. Nearly all the time with the right intentions! Nobody is going to watch my back though if I don't.

The temptation of falling into an exciting new activity is thrilling ('I am sure I can learn to play electric guitar left-handed...'). But so is the grace of letting it go.

Superpowers, balance and loud music

There I am, wearing a custom-made bracelet to a live gig, in the company of two 14-year-olds. That’s a sentence I never thought I would say.

THINK. We live in a strange world. One must engineer balance and rest instead of just drifting into it. Make plans to experience something. Little spontaneity, loads of planning. But it is worth it, a hundred percent.

Whether one is in a corporate job or not, going to a live music show seems like a journey to another dimension. With time and place set well in advance, we count days and hours before joining fellow fans in a walk to the event venue. The closer we are, the more we realize we are part of a movement, overflowing streets and parking lots. Depending on the artist and genre, there can be some artifacts and dressing up, too! We immerse in a crowd, as if it was a collective organism. The show starts, bass sounds come through our chests, and gaze centres on a stage. For a couple of hours, nothing else exists.

Every once in a while, I consciously seek to change my routines. I enjoy random experiences. Occasional disruption to what is a rigid schedule. And I deeply care about my daughter. Which was why blocked the afternoon out, read my last email for the day and left to see an alternative pop star Melanie Martinez playing live in Dublin. That explains the bracelet!

That evening was just one of portals to another world. In a noisy world we live in, when not only music is loud, these seem harder and harder to find. But paying attention, and a little bit of planning, do miracles. 

FEEL. One of my recent conversations was about letting people in. This is most certainly a position of vulnerability. But just consider how often we have no idea what is going on in the lives of others. We are making assumptions, filling the void. We are projecting our own views, framing others in our narratives. We are increasingly afraid to ask - what if we are then confronted with an ugly reality? We tend to look away, as the shoes of others can be unsettling, discomforting, difficult. But what if it is the opposite?

As my son and I were walking our dogs one evening, another teenage topic came up: superpowers. After we debated undeniable benefits of shapeshifting, teleportation, and flight, we argued about mind reading.

Knowing what is going on in minds (and hearts) of others is both a blessing and a burden, same as the glass is both half-full and half-empty. I sometimes feel like the clutter of my own thoughts is too much, let alone absorbing those that belong to others. And this is way before one even gets to deep, intimate reflections! Trying to contain more than what our mind is producing is exhausting. Fact. 

At the same time, we live increasingly more in our own bubbles. Amplified by digital, there is a risk that we will be locked out in a mini universe that is unique yet ubiquitous, for us alone. And lonely, too. Being able to be vulnerable for a while lets people in. Chances are that some will only take a glance and leave. But others will stay and help.

So don't rely on mind- (and heart-) reading. Know thy neighbour! 

DO. I need to practice what I preach! I certainly feel thrown out of balance at work, facing demands of a double role. As Caring as I am, it is difficult to gather distance and say no. One of the toughest aspects of building relationships is knowing when to use a 'No' and create boundary. My boundaries are definitely being tested right now. 

Allowing balance into your life is an active act. This is why I decided to delay my Friday (oh well, sometimes weekend) reflection routine to Monday. Immediate benefits I am noticing are freshness of thought, but also a peculiar discomfort. Letting the imperfection in. Hurts a little, yes, but with some luck, it would create a pattern of reaction, nearly some muscle memory of things that should worry us and those that shouldn't.

Curious to hear how you are finding your balance - and what superpower you feel. Everyone has it.

Beeswax, trip into Hades and a permission to feel

I was surprised how heavy an Olympic gold medal is.

THINK. I am a lucky person. Because of my job, I have occasional access to both many outstanding people and some unique experiences. This week, I met a British slalom canoeist Joe Clarke, to hear about his journey from Olympic champion in Rio 2016, through not being selected for Tokio games, up until competing in Paris in the new format of kayak cross race and winning silver medal for Team Great Britain. A second place that meant so much more than gold 8 years before.

What struck my sensitive chords was the humbleness Joe reflected on the commitment to a sustained training effort. Losing the spot on the team could have been a blow to knock him out, diminish the will to keep trying. Instead, he just said to himself 'I did not put the hours and commitment I needed so I did not deserve the outcome'. This is where the journey begun again. 

A lifelong (wannabe) athlete myself, I often reflect on the aspects of athletic performance: incremental gains through insights, differentiated training schemes, as well as the role of mindset. To that end, the power of a team behind an individual has become a cliche statement, nearly used to dilute an apparent vanity of being at the top of the game without thinking. The opposite seemed true though. Elite performance is often accomplished by attention to miniscule details (bees wax layer at the bottom of a canoe?), accountability model that many corporates would love to see working so well in the boardrooms and amongst cross-functional teams, or execution of months, or even years-long conditioning plans. It takes more than one person to bring it to life.

When people play their positions and are content with their contribution as such, great things are suddenly within reach.

FEEL. Joe Clarke's motto 'Tough times don’t last, tough people do' became like a splinter in my palm. I could not have ignored it, but it made me uncomfortable. Why toughness? Why did I feel that the resilience & strive for elite performance described by an Olympic athlete were synonymous with the ability to endure pain, restlessness and unstoppable, almost hypnotic drive forward? What may we be losing when we become 'tough'?

Not a fan of destiny and interventions from a higher power, I got my answer the following morning. A conversation I was listening to while finding my way through runner's footpaths of London's Southbank revealed the missing element. Permission to feel.

Emotional intelligence has been on my mind for many years now. As opposed to IQ, emotional intelligence is fluid over time and can be radically enhanced. As a matter of fact, I must have been very low on EQ when I was graduating university in early 2000's. Rational, factual, trained to rather contain than express emotions, I was a perfect robotic achiever in my profession. Until I got to my early leadership roles and discovered that most of protocols that work on me, simply does not apply to others. Letting emotions in, stopping to reflect on what was happening to me and others, and why this might be the case, was the bees wax on the bottom of my boat. It helped me slide into the rapid water and find my rhythm.

Kudos to my wife who understood that far sooner than I ever could and encouraged me to seek some professional support!

DO. Walking the talk of bringing novel experiences to one's life, when one of the evenings suddenly freed up, I decided to see one of the West End musicals. As a parent of 'theatre kid', it felt both like paying tribute to her passions, and consuming an important element of contemporary culture. I chose to delve into a story of Orpheus and Eurydice in 'Hadestown'.

A tale of love and loss, the myth unveils the delicate balance between both. It speaks volumes about the power of commitment and sacrifice. Orpheus' walk into Hades is uplifting and heartbreaking at the same time, and as the emotional tension builds up during the play, at that moment I could not hold down tears. While we all know how it ends, I chose to believe otherwise, even just for a bit.

One of the reasons I started Caring Geek was the need to pay forward and share my own journey. I am still unsure where is this path taking me. Stepping into the stage is scary. I believe though, that if it is helping people slow down, reflect, and explore uncharted territories of their feelings, it was worth the time, effort and vulnerability.

Experimenting, fear of failure and morning sunrise

THINK. On a morning run, I stumbled upon ideas on experimentation. Interestingly enough, just last week I brought Malcolm Gladwell and his position on a 10,000-Hour Rule ('Outliers') to my reflections. For clarity, the original research conducted by Anders Ericsson and his colleagues, was later revised to mention the presence of standard deviation, which is nothing more than some people excel at 3,000 hours while others need 20,000. The main premise of the study was to unpeel the power of deliberate practice, as opposed to innate talent.

So, there is hope, I guess, for all of us?

As much as 'fail fast' agenda has nearly become a meme, overused to explain all sorts of erratic behaviours, it carries some wisdom. There is no novelty without trying. There is no improvement if one follows the same pattern, rinse and repeat. There is no room for observation it the outcomes are almost fully predictable. It is only when things go south, a perfect moment presents itself to stop and reflect.

The other piece of research quoted by David Epstein (and originated by Robin Hogarth & team) is 'kind' vs. 'wicked' learning environments. Intuitively, we should all know that. Learning to address rule-based situations, memorizing a response protocol to a particular problem, practicing by repetition, it all helps us deal with that problem in a predictable fashion. If this happens, this is what you do, and that's the outcome you can expect. Works in a lot of places, most of the time, and candidly is a best strategy for many things humans deal with every day (and if you are not convinced, just imagine a public bus driver experimenting with the use of pedals, speed, directions, and signals on your commute to work!).

'Wicked' learning helps train problem solving skills and adaptability. Our brain, reinforced by emotional reactions, helps assess the situation we are confronted with, recognize patterns, and apply a measure that could be best suited to a problem we might have never come across before. Wicked, isn't it?

By no means, one model is better than the other!

What it all signifies to me is that while we should put in an effort (proverbial thousands of hours) to overcome innate talent deficiencies, it is the openness to embark on a new journey, amplified by the lust for learning, that help us becoming a different person tomorrow.

FEEL. Why is this so hard to experiment? Fear of failure might be a more impeding factor than we would have ever wanted to admit. That, combined with the need for external validation, is often driving us to commitments and decisions that we otherwise would not have taken. Think about the last time you said ‘yes’ to an ask that you did not really want to comply with - in a professional or personal setting. Chances are that social pressure, drive for approval, fear of relational rejection or conflict avoidance led you to biting your tongue and going along with it. Feels horrible, doesn't it.

The true confidence comes from within. Yes, it is normally amplified by an external validation. Yes, a lot of it is built in our early lives, through the ways we were brought up. Narratives engraved in us, that we wallpaper over with other experiences, are still there, beneath the surface. But the more layers one consistently puts on top of the patterns we want to keep hidden, the more chances that the conscious, preferred choice will prevail. This is both 'kind' practice, sometimes flavoured 'fake it 'till you make it', and 'wicked' - how does one train to recognize when to stop, reflect, explore. And then act. 

In my life, same as in many others, moments of joy are sometimes washed over with everyday stress. Gratitude journaling has never been my strong suite, neither have I really tried. But at times, it feels so good to slow down, force yourself to stop. Take a photo of a glorious new day starting over Seapoint and the Dublin Bay. An emotion captured in pixels.

DO. I am going to throw a few punches at my fear of failure and need for positive validation - my Caring Geek website premiers TODAY. Still at a temporary location, and just a thin skeleton of what it could become, it forms a beginning of a thoughtful routine, a communication platform, and a place that one can slow down, reflect and explore.

I will be delighted to engage in conversations that change lives, one step at a time.

Where A Variable Man, Cú Chulainn and Roxie Hart meet

Back in Dublin, my 'chronotype' led me to my desk early in the morning. Smell of silence and herbal tea kickstarted the stream of reflections.

THINK. I often find myself pondering questions of creative work, authenticity, imagination and leaving a legacy. Legacy is a funny one. Possibly a mild manifestation of a midlife crisis, in my view it brings the concept of opportunity cost to a zone where basic economic terms rarely apply. Choosing what to keep one's mind busy with is always equally saying 'no' to many other options. The time is finite and the world is full of stories never made.  

I was thrilled to find a podcast series capturing that exactly. Authored by Malcolm Gladwell, whose early books 'The Tipping Point', 'Blink' or 'Outliers' made a lasting impression on me, the series explores stories of movies that... never got made. 'Development Hell' is a journey through challenges of creation, and, often painful, lessons learnt underway.

An episode that resonated with me the most was the one about 'The Variable Man'. Not only has it been based on the 1953' novel from one of the most intriguing science-fiction writers, Philip K. Dick, but also it delved into themes of possible futures, reliance on technology and... being different. The novel tells a story of a world where computers are proficient at making all decisions on behalf of humans, essentially knowing their thoughts and feelings better than humans themselves. No mistakes, nothing is hidden from their calculus. And on one day, machines become aware of a seemingly unavoidable humanity self-destruction event. The is no scenario where it can be prevented.

The solution is to confront the AI with a human being for whom machines have no datapoints... a man from the past before their existence. Unpredictable, unseen, out of radius. A variable yearning to be solved. This all does feel so familiar, doesn't it? Existential questions posed 70 years ago in the novel, now resonate more than ever. Algorithms dictate what we scroll on our screens, what we might intend to buy, what political messaging would trigger emotional reaction, which movie show would we binge watch on our sofas. Not a catastrophic event yet or...?

My position on the AI revolution is balanced. Not an existential threat, but not a panacea for all of humanity's issues. Blindly falling for its promises shifts power to those who draft the backbone of these algorithms. With business models, dressed as benign, hyper-helpful assistants in our ears, one might need a counter-balance of a never-seen variable. A force from another dimension.

FEEL. Reconnecting with my son after being away for a couple of weeks, I had a proud parent moment. It all started from me noticing a new book on his nightstand. An hour later, we were both lying on the carpet with a few other publications, tracing similarities and seeking connections between Irish mythical character(such as Cú Chulainn) and that of other cultures - Nordic, Greek or Slavic. I was blown away by the amount of detail Adam was able to memorize from all these stories, but also how we could talk about seemingly universal archetypes and trails, weaved into regional narratives. Supernatural, godly and sometimes creepy, they were also utterly humane.

My other, 'theatre kid', that I travelled with was open to share her experiences from a Live Action Role Playing summer camp in the mountains of Southern Poland. Immersed in imaginary settings and scenarios, she practiced thinking on her feet, expressing emotions and reaching within to draw from depths of self-confidence, creativity and joy. I could not recommend it more. One of the scenarios Nina played was a 1920's prohibition America, which brought us to watching "Chicago", a musical I took my wife to see on Broadway a few summers ago. Vibrant and coherent, it led us to explore a theme of femme fatale, as well as dangers of ruthless desire for fame, both elegantly embraced by the character of Roxie Hart.  

The thrill of exploring various patches of culture alongside one's children feels next to none!

DO. I am fascinated by the pace of content generation in the last two decades. Use of technology and democratic access to media platforms enabled people to broadcast their thoughts and ideas. While one might argue the world needs better governance and moderation, and human brains are not ready to be absorb the ever-present stimulation, it is also giving people like me a better chance of reaching an audience that would otherwise be inaccessible.

I recently found a short story I wrote during pandemic lockdown, based on the very Role Playing Game we played with a couple of my friends. Since we have just continued with the same characters last weekend, I am tempted to use it as a trigger to continue... the weeks are very busy already though! The AI technology helped me create some images of places, characters and moods to illustrate the adventure and help with immersion, but I feel truly 'old school' about scripting. Well, the worst thing that can happen is meeting a few unseen variables, lively personas and altered versions of old legends... all in my imagination.

…unless you can be Batman

While in our home city of Łódź, Poland, my daughter and I went to explore The Centre for Graphic Novels and Interactive Narratives. A place where one can delve into the world of comic books and video games.

THINK. My earliest experience with comics dates back to 1980s. Even in these grim, grey years of communism, artists created a number of characters and series that endured up until this day. For a primary school boy like me, it was a vehicle to explore new form of telling stories. Masterfully crafted scenarios, fascinating brave new worlds, and compelling characters such as Thorgal or Tytus, Romek & A’Tomek. A transition from plain text to a narrative structure that integrated drawings, colors, composition of panels, dialogue and everything else unsaid, expressed by mood and pace of the story.  It was love at first sight.

In early 1990s, along with MTV, NBA games on the national TV, soap operas and chocolate that tasted so much better than its ‘cardboard’, chemical equivalent we used to get, came Marvel and DC superheroes. An uncompromised power of entertainment, it also showed me how mainstream messages can stimulate deeper thoughts. Emotional struggles, taking responsibilities for one’s actions, unfolding consequences of choices made or the eternal thin line between good and evil - all of it added depth and breadth to my discoveries.

The journey continues up until this day. I am exploring the nearly limitless spectrum of graphic novels. The underlying engine remains the same: write a script, draw, ink, possibly color, add dialogues - and that’s it. But the wealth of worlds my imagination can inhabit is overwhelming. Some of my favorite single issues include Joe O’Barr’s ‘The Crow’ or Masamune Shirow’s ‘Ghost in the Shell’, giving birth to culture phenomena, acclaimed movies and a fan movement. I dive deep into the ‘worlds that could be’: political and moral dilemmas of transhuman, cyberpunk future (‘Transmetropolitan’), a vision of New York City, a colossus I am drawn to, torn by civil war (‘DMZ’), dreams, nightmares and spiritual powers that reflect truths about human condition (‘Hellblazer’ and ‘Sandman’) or deconstructing what it even means to be a superhero (‘The Watchmen’).

Isn’t that wonderful that we can express our thoughts and emotions in so many diverse ways? Telling stories rocks!

FEEL. We thoroughly enjoyed the visit. As a matter of fact, 4 hours in, we were asked to leave as the Centre was already closing for the day! We came back the next morning to explore more.

The most rewarding part though was the connection with my daughter, Nina. Being a parent is core to who I am. Ever since she started to walk, talk and read, we have been going places together. Sometimes in person - movies, theatre shows, comic cons - and sometimes we simply travelled the imaginary worlds of Harry Potter, ‘The Avatar’ or the Hobbit. But as it seems, there is a time for the guide to step aside and just watch things unfold.

I am fascinated by Nina’s journey to becoming her own person. At the age of fourteen, she is hungry and free to explore the world she and her friends inhabit. Increasingly more digital, indeed, but still centered around stories, fascinations and expression of emotions. Everyone’s identity is forged over time, also by changing, and sometimes even denying, their family blueprints. The best thing a parent can do is to empower, build confidence, self-awareness, optimism and resilience. Start them on a lifelong learning path. Help them be curious and fearless. And fearlessness is not the absence of fear; it is recognizing the fear but taking action regardless.

I feel blessed to experience it. Just being close, watching and rooting for her.

DO. I have a busy day ahead of me. Reconnecting with my long-time friends in Poland, we decided to take a trip down memory lane so tonight, a role-playing game campaign awaits. Well, it would, as soon as I polish all the elements of the adventure. Preparing an outline of the scenario, inventing non-player characters, the setting, maps, artifacts, possible plot twists - it brings my imagination to work at high intensity. But there is only so much I can prepare and plan for - the rest is a real-time interaction,  creating the outcomes as we go, in a collective way. Everyone has a role to play - even if they don’t know it yet!

Changing routines, stepping away from the inertia of one’s weekly schedule, works miracles. As in sports training, improving performance often means changing exercise patterns. Be it flexing another muscle group, intensity change, or simply taking another route in one’s morning run, diversity stimulates growth. I witnessed myself making that mistake far too often in my years of long-distance running not to notice. This is also why I am pursuing ways for my days to take another route.

I am sitting in my study at home, looking at a poster wall with my dearest ‘imagination nutrients’ . One of these is a birthday present from my wife. ‘Always be yourself. Unless you can be Batman, Then, be Batman’. Well… so reminds me of one of the best days at my corporate job!

Where do I begin?

I am on this very journey seven years and counting. Arguably, most of my life ever since I started my journal as a teenager. A wannabe writer. A culture eater. A finance professional turned empathetic leader. An introvert trained to be extraverted. Obsessed with how words shape reality. Hungry to leave a legacy and make a positive impact to lives of others.

I believe in small, incremental progress. One step at a time. This journal started as a weekly email update to my team during a time of substantial business and organizational transformation. Technical, dry, overloaded with too many process descriptions and financial metrics. It felt awkward. It served its main purpose. But this was not a purpose I wanted.

It evolved into a platform to also include my reflections and anecdotes. Sneak-peek into my private side. An invitation to connect. An important moment of my week, when I slow down, reflect and explore. A ‘me’ time, but also a time of positive contribution to my readers. A joke, a photo, a story. Thoughts on the book I read. Emotions I felt and delved into in a given moment. Plans, activities, things I was setting in motion.

This is the format of this journal today. What I think about, feel and do.

Please join me on this journey. Who knows where is this path leading to?